Today I got a shot in preparation for college life, and as the nurse
started rubbing my arm with that wet cloth thing, I asked her
automatically "does it hurt?" As I lie here on the couch with a bad
cold, I thought "why did I ask her that...it's a needle going into your
arm...of course its going to hurt...." And secondly, I have gotten so
many shots over the years that I know from experience that it definitely
hurts (ok not that badly but STILL!!).
In the same way, change necessitates pain. And not just change like
"today is the day I will eat a piece of RYE toast instead of WHEAT toast
for breakfast!" Change, the type of change that one does not
necessarily ask for, necessitates pain. Character growth is painful--I
would much rather stay how I am than actually do something about the
problems in my life. My dad talks about the trap of inertia a lot. We
would prefer to stay safe and comfortable instead of going through the
intense self-examination and bared soul process, prerequisites for
growth.
I'm reminded of the skit guys video about the chisel...God comes along
and starts chipping away at that guy and gets rid of all the growths and
inadequacies. In C.S. Lewis's novel "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader,"
Eustace tries to tear dragon scales off of his body over and over
again, without success, until Aslan comes to him and begins ripping,
slicing, and tearing off the scales for the helpless boy. But first,
Eustace has to let Aslan in, he has to submit, he has to realize he
cannot do it on his own.
This year, my final year of high school, hit me like one of those long
bread paddles they use at the bakery at Wegmans. Senior year is HARD!
Those people who say "oh senior year is easy-peasy don't you worry your
pretty little head you can just take nice and easy classes and sleep in
and skip school...." OH no. No no no!!! It's hard. Maybe that was just
me and my mom wouldn't let me skip class and maybe I'm way too hard on
myself...but maybe senior year is also just stressful and hard. But
please don't misunderstand me; so many wonderful people have encouraged
me and told me the truth and helped me keep going when I really, really
wanted to give up.
Today I finished my last class of the Potter's School, senior year, and
high school! What a great feeling it is. But looking back now on this
year I am beginning to see the changes God has worked in me. Where is
my security? It should and needs to be in the unfailing love of the
eternal God. But I know I haven't kept that in perspective throughout
this year, and it's been painful drifting from that and looking at
myself without the lens of Jesus's blood and realizing what a failure I
really am. Oh boy. People do lots of celebrating at graduation, and I
have been wondering if I even deserve that. Yeah sad.
But I know in my heart that the truth is God has done great things for
me, and we are filled with joy! He uses the most terrible, deathly,
dumbandstupid senior years to change us! Oh how he loves us, that he
might break us in order to show us this grace. He has used those
magnificent people to bless me and remind me the world is not ending,
and far from it! But you see, the trick here is to come out of that
brokenness and see the light. My mother who is so lovely and good told
me today "the righteous man falls seven times. But there is a second
part to that verse...he rises back up again." We must fall to see how
far gone we are, but we must rise up on the wings of the LORD Almighty.
It does hurt to become more like Jesus, but he knows that and groans for
us with unspeakable groans to the Father of all compassion. He uses the
difficulties to show us the truth, and he lifts us back up again. I
certainly haven't learned my lesson yet; I know I will continue to learn
for the rest of time until this life is past, but for now, I will rest
on him and try to see what he wants me to see.
Praise the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men!
